Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Here is a brutally honest review of an extremely challenging and hard month, please try not to judge me to harshly

Sometimes, especially lately I wonder why do I keep this blog going??? I was just sitting down talking to Gordy about it the other day wondering if anyone really ever reads it anymore or is interested in our lives?? Because I think why would they be? We are just ordinary people living our lives like so many of you out there in the world. Then I hear from people that I run into and find out that they are wondering why I haven't posted in awhile or some of them wondering how Luke is doing right now, so I think to myself I guess people really do care, perhaps I should be better about keeping it updated. So that is one of my goals this year, I hope to post more pictures and blog updates, trying to keep them shorter, because I know that when a post get's too long it's hard to keep reading and reading and reading it. Just to warn you this post may be a bit longer than usual because I've neglected posting for so long: - /

December was a very challenging month, to say the least. But perhaps I should go back a week and say that the last week in November was equally challenging. Luke was sick and I was getting over my bronchitis, therefore causing Luke and I to stay home on Thanksgiving while the rest of the family went up to Seattle to visit Gordy's sister Pam and her family that day. It was a very hard day for me to say the least.

The first weekend, I went to a seminar on how to be a better advocate for the community of disabled persons in our county. It was in Olympia, we did a mock Legislature session to see what it would be like to testify in front of a hearing and though I have testified at hearings before many years ago, it was a very good refresher course for me. It was extremely hard to sit and listen to all the tragic stories of people in our state that are losing some of their benefits and services. Our state, like many other states is in a financial crisis, therefore they are having to cut many things out of the budget to make it balance. The saddest part of the cuts is that people will end up in the Hospital's because they are unable to get the health care they desperately need. Long, very long story short it was a very stressful weekend for me. I came home from that weekend with hives all over my body, except on my face, I went to urgent care to find out I was having an allergic reaction to the Amoxicillion I had been on for my Bronchitis, thankfully it cleared up within a few days.

The second weekend we then experienced one of the most terrifying things that has happened in a long time. Friday night the 10th, Luke decided to stop breathing. We could not wake him up or get him to start for a few minutes, we were just about to call 911, when God finally answered our prayers and helped Luke to start to breathe once again. We had been trying a new medication to help with Luke's muscle tone issues and I believe it caused him to relax to the point that he just stopped breathing. It was not the first time we had dealt with him desatting, we had been dealing with it for a few weeks before this, but not to this extreme, thankfully getting him off that med has really helped him to get better in this area of his life.

Needless to say this caused me great panic and some fear, I began to wonder if I could really ever sleep at night knowing that if I didn't hear Luke's alarms we could lose him. I know these fears were irrational at times, but real nevertheless very real to me. To say that this has been a month of very little sleep would be a HUGE understatement. No sleep causes all kinds of problems in our lives, of course it causes foggy thinking, extreme fatigue, depression and for me some anxiety and panic problems. Yep, there you go I'm admitting that I was depressed most of the month, I woke up with some panic attacks, severe stress, lots of crying, not really feeling like celebrating Christmas, pains and aches, all kinds of problems. I've had a few people tell me lately that I'm an inspiration to them, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to think that because deep inside I keep telling myself DON'T think that about me, if you only knew my thoughts you wouldn't think that anymore. I debated long and hard about whether to share these thoughts with you, but decided that yes, you need to know that I struggle just like some of you do with my thoughts and doubts in my life.

I know that God can and will continue to bring me out my depression and that he will continue to give me the strength that I need to continue on this journey that He's chosen for me to go on. For me to lose my faith and hope would be like a death sentence to me, therefore I chose no matter how hard it is and how long this journey lasts not to lose my hope. I will admit that I can not go through this alone, without the prayers and help from so many of you out there I don't know if I would be able to go on. I realize that we are all stronger when we share each others burdens and when we all do our part of lifting each other up in prayer. I guess that is why I'm being so brutally honest with y'all out there, in part because I need your prayers, but also because I want to pray for you if you need prayers. That is one of the greatest parts of being a part of the Family of God we all can carry each others burdens, that is when we are brave enough to share them with others.

Just wanted to let you know that there was many good things that happened in December too, Luke was blessed by the HUGS Foundation with enough money to have 20 Hyperbaric dives. I'm hoping that these dives will help him with his muscle tone issues and with the seizures that he's been having lately. My dear friend Yoli and Juan adopted their precious little Daniel into their family in December, which was a huge answer to prayer. Lily celebrated her 6th birthday. We were blessed to have a wonderful Christmas, full of God's richest blessings poured out upon our family, a delightful weekend full of lots of family, friends, gifts, great food and full of wonderful memories.

Love in Christ,
Luke's Mommy Sue

PS Please keep Santana in your prayers he had back surgery last week and he has been having a hard time recovering from it. Jerry who had a kidney transplant in November suffered an anoxic brain injury during the surgery and is in desperate need of a miraculous touch, along with his wife Brenda and 5 children who all need prayers for strength and continued hope. Noah has been having lots of headaches and weakness lately, his Mito disease is progressing and he is losing more ground everyday. Kehau is pregnant, due in January with her third child, along with Caleb who has severe physical needs, found out that her husband wants a divorce, she needs a miracle in her marriage, Annie a dear friend needs a physical touch from Jesus. Teresa needs a healing touch for her body as she is trying to get over the pneumonia that she has been dealing with for weeks. So many HUGE needs, it's comforting to know that we serve a HUGE God, who hears our cries and answers our prayers.

13 comments:

Michelle said...

Still here thinking about you guys and praying for you. 7 years ago I thought it would be Emily's last year. I was depressed also, very depressed. And now she is almost 16. Wow, amazing times. God is with us through the difficult times as well as the not so difficult times. He doesn't always change things and do what we want, but HE is still God and still loves us. Rest in Him and know that our times are in His hands.

Lots of big hugs for you and Luke.

Michelle & girls

Rachel E. said...

Hey Searles family, just wanted to pop out of the woodwork to let you know I read every post (and your Facebook status updates) and am praying for you. You are such an inspiration to me because although it is hard, you keep going--and so many other people, myself probably included (!) would have given up by now.

I am so sorry to hear about Kehau's situation. I read on her blog that she was going to stop writing but had no idea why. Praying for her and her family.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I rarely comment, more of a 'lurker' and quiet prayer girl! i have been following your familiy's journey since days after Luke's accident. I admire your honesty. There are many who wouldn't have the grace to put into words the things you have in the way that you did. I will pray for the needs you asked for, and for the peace that your heart needs.
Bethann :)

Aidan and Evan's mommy said...

Sue, I just wanted to tell you that you and Luke and your whole family have been in my prayers this last month. December was pretty hard on a lot of us. I'm so glad that Luke is doing better and that you're over your illnesses. Aidan has been fighting a stomach bug and pneumonia that put us in the hospital overnight, but he is doing well now. Like you, I fear I won't hear Aidan's alarms during the night and he'll stop breathing. Sometimes I forget just how fragile our children's health is, and then at other times it's like being slapped in the face with it.

Continued prayers for you all and that these hyperbaric treatments do some good for Luke. He's one handsome little boy. I always picture him and Aidan playing together, and I pray that one day they'll be able to do just that.

love and hugs,
Erin and Aidan

Anonymous said...

Sue,

I read your posts! And I'm sorry you've had such a difficult month. I pray that January will be easier on you. Thank you for your help the other night as I complained away about my meager problems. You are a good friend.

Love,
Teresa

Julie Tocher said...

I'm sure there are a lot more people who are reading your blog than you realize. I'm glad you have decided to keep it going. It was your blog that took me to Aidan's blog and as a result, I was able to help Aidan's Mom get to PONDs retreat. Even for those of us without a child with special needs, your blog is a blessing. Thank you for sharing your lives with us!

Anonymous said...

Years ago there was a song by Twila Paris called "The Warrior is a Child". It talks about deep inside the armour that the Warrior is a Child. We all understand where you heart is and know it is only filled with good. But we do also know each day is not easy. Please hang in there as you are not hanging alone. Pam

Julie said...

Thank you for posting and for being so open and honest. While it may be painful to admit when one is struggling - if you don't tell us it limits our prayers. And we all want to pray for your and your family.

Hugs and prayers

Christine said...

Big hugs. Stay strong. You peaked my curiosity to go and research Hyperbaric dives. :)

Anonymous said...

Sue,
Too often people present just their strong face to the world. This doesn't create a space for others to step in and share their own troubles or to lend an ear, a hand, or a heart in easing your blues. Your honesty is one of your strengths. Always remember the many, many people who pray for you and the family and who care so deeply.
Love, Pam

Anonymous said...

Sue,

God allows us to go through pain, sufferings,etc.. Remember the story about the two men. one builted his house on the sand and the other on the rock.storms of life came. The one who builted his house on the sand was destroyed and the one who builted his house on the rock was made even stronger. There are examples all through the bible of brothers and sisters who suffered and God brought them through, even made them stronger (JOB). You and your family are in our prayers.

Love in Christ George Q. Walker

Shauna Quintero said...

Wow! I think maybe Decemer was a tough month all around for special needs/nd moms. I have the same feelings as you do and I'm so glad you put them out there for people like me to relate to! You are a beautifully honest person. In church last Sunday, our pastor described this current "thing" in the air as weariness. We, as followers of Christ, are just weary. We still believe, we still have faith, we're just tired. So he encouraged us to pray that God would breath air of new life to us this year. The word "weary" is so comforting to me after I start to question my faith and whether I'm being as faithful as I should be. And the answer is yes, I am. I'm just tired and it's okay to be tired.

Love and hugs from one nd mom to another!

Shauna
(Christian's Mommy)

Anonymous said...

Found your blog a couple of years ago and I do drop in to check up on your family. Please do keep blogging. It keeps us praying for you even though we do not know you IRL. You encourage me by your faith and your keeping on day after day. I am thankful for you and all you do to serve your family and the needs of other. Your sister in Christ,
Sheri