Saturday, September 15, 2012

I just can't believe that I've found myself saying ____________ a few times the last few days:-/

Here's the kids posing for this picture by the Yaquina Head Lighthouse, it was a gorgeous windy cold day:-) Natalie offered to stay down at the bottom with Luke and Abigail so that the rest of us could go up to the top of the light house.
Have you ever said to yourself quietly or out loud "life is just not fair?" Can I be perfectly honest with you?? I'm embarrased to say I've found myself saying these words a few times this week, erk. The shocking thing is that I used to tell my kids to never say, "that's not fair" because life is not usually fair and the sooner we realize this the sooner we can come to grips with the way things are for better or worse. Oops, so much for practicing what I've been preaching all these years.

This was on Luke's 8 year anniversary of his near drowning accident. Luke was not doing good that day, though we didn't realize just how bad he was doing until we went to eat at Mo's for lunch. This picture was taken right after he threw up again and I had to change his shirt, such a hard day as we realized that our plans needed to be changed, there was no way Luke could handle a day of sightseeing and hiking.
I for the most part have always tried to be a person who sees things as being half full, instead of things that are half empty. I have tried to stay positive seeing the good in circumstances even when there is little good to see. I guess I've never enjoyed being around negative people, therefore I choose to try to be positive even when a little voice inside me is screaming words that are the complete opposite of what I know to be true. At least I hope and pray that when people meet me I don't come off as being a negative person:-)

This picture was taken on our way home, we stopped by the Tillamook Cheese Factory. We forgot to take Luke's suction machine inside, which resulted in the fact that by the time we got back out to the van he was very junky. He just didn't look right to me so I checked his oxygen numbers and they were lower than I had ever seen them before, which made for a stressful ride home in the back seat of the van trying to get his o2 numbers back up to where they should be.
Last weekend I heard a excellent speaker talk about taking all the thoughts we have going on in our mind, especially the lies that we tell ourselves all the time captive. Another words we need to grab those thoughts and tell them to leave since they are lies and they only harm us. I know that in the past with God's help I have been able to do this and have found that when I'm diligent about being sure my thoughts are not dwelling on the negative, I'm much better off emotionally.

Why oh why after hearing that excellent message have I been dwelling on thoughts that are not positive, thoughts that are damaging to my emotional well being, thoughts that are lies and half truths?? You know thoughts like:
  • Life is not fair
  • We miss out on so much because of the fact that Luke has been so unhealthy lately
  • I'm never going to get a full night of sleep again
  • I'm never going to lose all this weight that I want to lose
  • I'm never going to meet all the goals that I've set out to accomplish this week
  • I'm never going to raise all the money I need for the mom's of near drown children retreat this year 
  • How am I going to go on with Natalie, Josh & Abigail moving to Missouri in two weeks, I'm going to miss them so much it hurts to think about it, though I'm happy they are following their hearts.
  • Questions in my mind about whether Luke will ever be healthy again
  • Horrible thoughts about  . . . . . 
I'm sure you could fill in your own list of things that are not so healthy to be dwelling on, unless you've already learned the secret of taking your thoughts captive. I know that I know when I dwell on what things are going good in my life and when I think about all the blessings I experience all the time, my thoughts change and they become healthy once again. I am praying with God's help that I will stop these negative thoughts and that I will just let them go, never to pick them up again. And I know that I can do this because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phil. 4:13.

Here's Luke hanging out in the trailer with myself and Abigail while Gordy took the kids swimming.
I would sure appreciate your prayers for Luke right now, he's been on a real roller coaster ride ever since his surgery in July, one week he's seems to be doing better, the next week he's dipped into doing horrible. On Thursday we woke up to alarms going off as his heart rate was soaring and after taking his temp found out it was at 102, I gave him some tylenol which helped to take down his temp and thankfully he's hasn't had another temperature since then, though we are still dealing with the almost constant need he has for oxygen to be going. After talking with his Pediatrician earlier this evening we decided that we would try one more dose of antibiotics to see if he can kick what ever is going on. I often wonder if getting the baclafen pump put in him was the right decisions, yep another one of those beat myself up thoughts. Oh well, please pray with us that he will get and stay healthy once again and that the pump will do the job that it's supposed to do, relax Luke's muscles without all the added complications that go with it being in him.
Here is Gordy and the kids walking down the stairs in the lighthouse, it was a fun trip up to the top. but the trip down was much easier to do:-)
 Thank you for letting me be honest with you once again, I hope that perhaps you will not judge me too quickly for my negativity and honesty, but instead will pray for God to help me to change:-)

Love in Christ,
Luke's Mommy Sue


Michelle said...

Remember the host of people that are praying for you and for Luke. When I can't pick myself up by the bootstraps this has helped. I also don't want to be negative, and I figured "how could it be any worse?", then of course we met "worse". When I get to that spot I find one nice thing to thank the Lord for. Then it usually turns into a thank-you session for a lot of nice things.
And then I don't feel so bad.
We aren't always going to be able to handle everything. That is the way God made us. We are to work together, to depend on our family, friends, church body to support us in prayer (and other ways if needed).
When you start looking down tell God how thankful you are for your toes.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you my sister that the God of Encouragement will fillyou up full to overflowing with Hope and Peace as you trust in Him and I pray the power of His living and active Word over you that His perfect love will cast out all fear and anxiety in your life my friend. As you mentioned too may He fill your heart and mind with gratitude for all your blessings that your trials will pale in comparison to the overwhelming amount of blessings that flow into your life each day. I love you and miss you! Mary