Thursday, July 09, 2009

I Have So Many Tough Questions Right Now, With No Easy Answers!

I sit here tonight knowing that I should be in bed right now, I'm tired, discouraged and ready for a miracle from God. For some reason coming up on the 5th anniversary of Luke's accident has been extremely hard for me. I so desperately want Luke to be improving, I want to see him walk, but I would love to see him even move on his own again, I would absolutely love to hear him talk again, or hear him laugh, I would love to see him sit up, but would also just be glad to see him hold his head up without falling down, I would love to see his knee's bend again and for him to be able to sit without falling over all time. You get the picture, I don't need to go on.

I wish someone could tell me how to go on without the pain in my heart that I feel when I see other kids laughing and playing, when I see families going on bike rides together or for that matter going anywhere without having to take along all the equipment that Luke needs just to survive. Ok, I realize some of you out there are saying, get a grip Sue, you have a good life, you have a wonderful husband that works hard to supply all your families needs, plus extra's to make life easier, you have wonderful daughters that help you out on a daily basis, you have other family and friends that help whenever you need them to, you are able to go on trips and vacations and the list goes on and on . . . . Ya, you are right I'm so blessed, so why or why does my heart hurt so bad, why can't I just except what God has allowed in my life and count it all joy, as James says to do in the Bible???

We are at a cross road, we need to start making some hard and I mean really hard decisions about our future. We will need to move sometime soon, Luke gets more challenging to carry each day, I don't want to move, we are comfortable, period. We probably will need to start looking for a new van that is wheelchair accesible in the future. We have scheduled an appointment for a trial for a Baclafen pump, which would help Luke's horrible muscle tone issues and perhaps finally help him to be able to bend his legs again. I wonder at times if Luke is having seizures and if he should be put on a seizure medication, I personally don't want to go down that road, but do we need to??? We are in the midst of planning a wedding for Natalie and Josh, so many decisions and details to plan for, along with the thought of losing Natalie's help at home when she moves out is overwhelming at times, don't get me wrong, I'm so happy that she is getting married, but I will desperately miss her help, she has such a servant's heart. So many tough questions, no easy answers.

Bottom line I need your prayers and support, I'm sorry if that sounds selfish when I know so many other people also need them, but I also know that we serve a huge God. I know right now Pastor Bryan needs a miraculous touch from God as he is not doing so good right now during his journey through suffering with cancer, my friend Denise is going through chemotherapy right now and is suffering sickness and all the ill effects that it causes, Samuel Lockwood is back in the hospital down in Mexico, with whopping cough, while his parents are so lovingly and sacrificially giving of themselves to share the gospel, Noah has been in and out of the Hospital lately with some unknown infection that is just not going away, Mia almost died last week from pneumonia complications and needs our prayers right now as she is still in the PICU and the needs go on and on. . . I'm sure you could add your own urgent prayer request, I would be willing to pray with you if you do share it. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be greatly appreciated and of course your prayers are desperately needed right now, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart thank you, I don't know where I'd be right now without you all.

Love in Christ,
Luke's Mommy Suzi


Anonymous said...

Your ability to withstand adversity is inspirational. Your real human feelings makes it personal and even more inspirational. Thank-you for sharing and know your posts are gifts for others sharing similar feelings. Peace...

Carolyn Young said...

Will pray for wisdom as you consider the crossroads. God is faithful!

Denise Gormley said...

Sue, you touch me deeply. Your heart is hurting because you want what all mother's want for their children - the best life has to offer. And when our children suffer in any way we hurt. It has nothing to do with the other blessings in our life and doesn't diminish our gratefulness for them. My heart gets stabbed when I see families who have children who are making all the right choices for themselves and wonder what did I do that I have a son who is doing just the opposite. I hurt even though I have another son who is making great choices in his life. Its because I see the regrets my other son will have because of the bad choices. Its not how we raised him and to know he suffers I suffer. Its just the way God made us moms. No one rejoices more with us than our mothers - no one hurts more for us than our mothers. Its both a blessing and a curse at times. But I would not trade any of it in for the world. It shows me how much our Heavenly Father loves us too. And because he loves us so much more than we can fathom I know He hurts for us too when we hurt and knows our pain. I pray for you on a daily basis and KNOW one day you will see Luke's healing. I can't even imagine what it would be like to walk in your shoes - with or without the help you receive. Even with the help I know it must be such a challenge. I'm glad you've shared your heart because it gives us all insight to know how to pray for you. I've told you this before but I want to say it for everyone to read: You are truly an inspiration and an incredible woman. With all you have on your plate you do amazing things and I'm proud to call you friend. I'll be praying wisdom for you as well as you face these difficult decisions. God is with you, Sue! Love and Blessings to you.

Pam said...

Dearest Sue, i hope with all my heart that you feel the incredible love and caring that others have for you as you share the deepest wishes in your heart. Prayers? Every day for all of you. Pam

Sara x said...

It is so right for you to be feeling this way. 5 years ago your world changed. We sometimes dont understand why somethings happen or the route God has planned for us. I guess at this point the word Faith holds the answers. Its been 8 months since my beautiful daughter Livvy went to heaven. Each day is full of questions my answers so far is FAITH.

Im sending you so much love.

annb said...

I pray for Luke and for your family regularly, but will pray for your specifics right now, too! While there may be others suffering now it does not make your own pain less or less than others! I have followed your blog for so long and have seen the love and dedication you have for God, your family, Luke and other families in need. You inspire me to be thankful for everything that God has given me and also "allowed" in my life.
I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it is to care for Luke - not only his daily needs, but actually protecting his very life at times!
Maybe, as women, we have a picture in our head of growing up, falling in love, marrying and becoming a mother - but also of seeing our children grow and become adults on their own - the product of everything we've taught them. To know that you have a child who may forever depend on you must be difficult at times - even though the love you have for that child is immeasurable!
We serve a mighty God who knows our every thought. He knows our fears, our pain and our life. He does know what you're going through and will be there always to comfort and guide.
This post looks nothing like selfishness to me - it feels like a lovely woman who is sometimes weary and needs others to help carry her burdens!

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

In His Love and Blessings,

Michelle said...

Suzi, I'm not sure what I can tell you that hasn't already been said. Yes, we have those down times too. I'm going through it myself. However I know this too shall pass. When I see the big picture there are times I get very overwhelmed. So I try to look at life from a moment in time. At this moment we just finished getting the Pic line into Emily. The next moment will be the Lithotripsy. One moment at a time.... When grief wells up in me I sing. I don't know if this is something you like to do but it sure helps me. "Spring up O well, within my soul, Spring up O well and make me whole, Spring up O well and give to me, New life abundantly." You're in my prayers,

Tiffany said...

I hear your heart, my friend, and can feel the heaviness, dread, fatigue, frustration and our constant companion who sometimes whispers softly and sometimes screams -- grief. I've been thinking of and praying for you often lately, especially when thinking of Natalie's wedding. Thank you for your honesty, so that we can all pray very specifically during this time. What I pray for you tonight is peace for your heart and a lifting of the weight that has fallen upon your shoulders and spirit.

Teena said...

Sue, lots of wise words here but want you to know I do not think you are not counting your blessings. I KNOW you do and I am so inpsired with my own challenges by seeing your strength. I can not imagine how your heart hurts but I can pray for you and PRAY for Luke. I haven't stopped praying that God would completely heal him. As I know so many are still praying.

Life's every day changes are hard too.... and I have walked some of those. God will give you the grace... as you know. It is funny but I was more sad/down BEFORE my Michael went to college and BEFORE he married but when the time came God gave me the grace and I was GOOD, EXCITED and READY. I have heard over and over He gives us grace ... not before but at each time. I know you know this. I know you are excited about Natalie and all.... I know.

HUGS... here anytime....

remember when I use to sign like this:
Billy, Teena, Michael (now Amber), Mandi, Dakota, Alyssa, Wyatt & Wesley

Anonymous said...

I think your pain and grief are entirely appropriate...but the guilt for feeling those things - well, I think you should just leave that alone. Pain is pain. I cannot compare my pain to your pain...mine is mine, yours is yours. I can really relate to what you wrote, too. As Joanna prepares to have another jaw cyst surgery on Wednesday, I hurt. As her skin cancers multiply and grow, I hurt. When I think of different things the future may bring her, I hurt. Yet, she is not as afflicted as many others with the same disease. I'm thankful...and it can always be worse... but I still hurt. Thank God that He is big enough to handle our pain and questions and anger and grief. I don't have any answers, either. But I'm so glad you shared your 'realness'. I can relate. If I could, I'd give you a great big hug! You are loved!
Amy Lockwood -in Alaska : )